Most people have a mental list of people who bug them. I am boldly committing my list to writing. I am also open to suggestions of others who you may wish to nominate to go on The List.
Whilst I would in no way condone violence with kitchenalia, this is The List Of People I Would Bop In The Face With A Wok (boiiiiiiing!) with the reason given where I have figured out my reason. Some are just unexplainable urges.
Baker, Matt (TV Presenter)
Oh sweet baby Jesus, why will he not just stick to Countryfile? Why does he pop up to irritate me at every flick of the channel? I was recently speaking to someone who actually likes Matt Baker, yet this fan of his still described his success as “surprising because he is really quite bland”. Just to reiterate, that was said by someone who likes Matt Baker.
Cage, Nicholas (Actor)
Oh, its the burnt-looking hair, its the melted face and above all its the voice. What’s with your voice Nicholas? Why is it like you’ve got tonsilitis and you’ve taken too much cough medicine, so you’ve gone all drowsy and can’t speak coherently?
Cameron, David (Politician/professional speech-reader)
Borrowed his melted face look from Nicholas Cage. Cannot utter a single word without it sounding so disingenuous that it hurts my ears to listen to you. I don’t like his wife’s hair either, which she appears to have borrowed from a five year old girl in the early 80s. I would like to give her a gift of a scrunchie, but I think it would be intercepted if I posted it to her on the basis that its a bit weird.
Coe, Lord Sebastian (What IS he?)
I have not yet been able to rationalise the urges I have about Seb Coe. He bugs me, he bugs me baaaaad. In other news, his name sounds like an evil fuel company when I say it quickly; Sebco, Sebco, Sebco.
Knightley, Keira (Actress)
Rather than explain why I feel the way I feel about Keira Knightley, just watch the scene from Love Actually where her character gets married. You’ll feel the same way I do, I can guarantee it. It is a feeling of needing to clean my teeth and gargle some mouthwash. She makes me itchy.
Lloyd Webber, Andrew (Musical Bloke)
The king of melted faces. I would like to poke his face with my finger to see if it leaves an indentation. Maybe I’d pinch his cheeks or pull on his lip, fish-hook stylee, just to find out what happens to his face. Obviously, I’d be wearing latex gloves when this happens.
McCartney, Paul (Singer of Hey Jude at all and any national events)
Oh sweet baby Jesus and the orphans. When will we have an event of national importance that Paul McCartney is NOT invited to? He sings worse than I do. And he only does one song (Hey Jude, for the avoidance of doubt). At least my repertoire includes hits such as Baby When You’re Gone by Bryan Adams and Mel C, Love Shack by the B52s, Come on Eileen by Dexys Midnight Runners, Respectable by Mel and Kim… oh good god just reading that I am epic! Why do I not have a recording contract? And in addition to the above, he also has a melted face.
Parker, Sarah Jessica (Actress)
She cannot say a single word without moving her head in a weird jerky fashion. If she were to speak and not move her head, I think that perhaps the world as we know it would end. Most actors can convey a story and express emotion by the use of their voice and their facial expressions. She just wobbles her head. I think that a massage or a session of acupuncture may assist her neck problems.
Rhodes, Gary (Chef)
Oh dearie me. His pointy pointy pointy hair. It gives me the heeby jeebies. And his voice is soooo smooooth and he sounds soooooo turned on by whatever he’s just cooked that I want to run through the wall, leaving a me-shaped hole in it.
Sandler, Adam (Actor)
Why does every character that Adam Sandler plays have that childish squeaky-yet-whispery man-child voice? It enrages me.