The New Substitute Teacher

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May 30, 2014 by kitcac

I received an email in error last week.  And then another one.  Best. Week. Ever.

I had been appointed the substitute teacher of an elementary school in Virginia, USA.  I didn’t know that on receiving the first email, but why would I need a reason to reply to the email?  I just replied.  In the style of John Howard, obviously, but from my own real life email address (which they thought was the sub teacher’s email address).  Score!

So it went like this:

____________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Head of Grade 2

To: All Grade 2 Staff (including me, Kitcac!)

Date: 21 May 2014

Subject: Seeking Permission for Outdoor Fun, Grade 2

Requesting permission to have an outdoor fun session for Grade 2.

The 2nd grade team would like to request to have a grade level outdoor fun session with grilled food on Tuesday June 4, 2014. Mr. Winford will be bringing the grill and cooking the food for us. All teachers will be in charge of various stations (bubble fun, water balloons, jump ropes, and basketball). Students will rotate between stations and be supervised at all times.

Mrs Teacher

Anonymised Elementary School

______________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Kitcac (or is it the new substitute teacher?)

To: All Grade 2 Staff

Date: 21 May 2014

Subject: Seeking Permission for Outdoor Fun, Grade 2

I’m reluctant to agree to any sort of supervisory role, particularly as I harbour a strong dislike of children but if I can bring a bottle of wine and some vodka jellies, I’m up for it.

Keep me away from the jump ropes though, I’ll be on my arse!

___________________________________________________________________________________________

NB: At this stage, I had no idea why they had included me in this email, but what the heck!  In for a penny, in for a pound!

___________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Head of Grade 2

To: All Grade 2 Staff (including me again, Kitcac!)

Date: 21 May 2014

Subject: The 2nd graders are going to the zoo!

Wear comfortable shoes and pack a lunch.

You may wear jeans with your school shirt. Please do not wear jeans if you do not have your school shirt or a red polo shirt on.

THIS IS EXTREMELY IMPORTANT. Please supervise your students at all times.

Provide each student with a name tag that contains the name of our school and our school contact information.

10:30-11:30 – Tour the Zoo

11:30-12:00 – Eat lunch at the park.

12:00-12:30 – Play time at the park.

12:30 – Go to the bus and get ready to leave

1:00 – Return to the school.

Note: I am providing name tags for Ms. Substitute.  Please add Ms. Substitute’s email address to your email list:

kitcacemailaddress@gmail.com

________________________________________________________________________________________

NB: Oh sweet joy!  Not only am I a substitute teacher, I am invited to the zoo!  Score!

________________________________________________________________________________________

From: Kitcac (or is it the new substitute teacher?)

To: All Grade 2 Staff

Date: 21 May 2014

Subject: The 2nd graders are going to the zoo!

Oh I bloody luffs penguins I do! I’m going to bring a big rucksack and a tin of sardines to tempt it close to me and I’m going to pinch one!

Then I’m going to teach it to dance like on Happy Feet and I will sing Motown songs to it.

Yes!!!

I will call the penguin Marvin if it is a boy or Diana if it is a girl penguin.

_______________________________________________________________________________

From: Kitcac

To: All Grade 2 Staff

Date: 22 May 2014

Subject: The 2nd graders are going to the zoo!

Hey guys, I’m bouncing with excitement thinking about this zoo trip!

I’ve been up all night rearranging my bathroom so Marvin/Diana the Penguin has a place to live, he/she is going to love the Antartic mural I spray-painted over the tiles.

Although not geographically correct, I painted a polar bear sitting outside an igloo grilling some fish on a primitive barbecue. You can see him salivating, it is a very detailed mural.

Anyhoooo, I just wanted to check if anyone is doing face-painting? I was thinking I’d paint a tiger on my face and wear a cute little orange bodycon dress to coordinate the look and we could all sing Katy Perry songs on the bus and when it gets to the ‘Roar!’ bit I’ll sing that on my own and maybe I could crowd-surf down the bus?

Are the kids quite strong? I don’t want them to drop me when I’m crowd-surfing. That would be like the Steps Reunion tour all over again.

____________________________________________________________________________

From: Head of Grade 2

To: Kitcac

Date: 22 May 2014

Subject: No subject

The email was sent to you by error. Please disregard. Please do not respond. Thank you.

____________________________________________________________________________

NB: I thought that was rather rude.  No apology about the zoo, or missing the grilled food, or the skipping ropes.  And fgs I spray painted a mural of a polar bear on my wall! 

_____________________________________________________________________________

From: Kitcac

To: All Grade 2 Staff

Date: 22 May 2014

 

Oh I love to see a penguin

So I’ll go to the zoo again-guin

But I don’t know when-guin

I’ll see another penguin.

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