Claim These Funds, Hell Yeah


February 5, 2014 by kitcac

I recently received this email from Peter Sands. I suspect Peter isn’t really called that.

Dear Friend,

Thank you so much for your prompt response to my proposal, This email might come to you as a surprise and the temptation to ignore it as serious could come into your mind but please consider it and accept it with a deep sense of humility. Before proceeding, I wish to introduce myself to you. I am Peter Sands Group Chief Executive at Standard Chartered Bank Hong Kong, I contacted you concerning our late customer and an investment placed under our banks management before the Iraq war. I would respectfully request that you keep the contents of this mail confidential and respect the integrity of the information you come by as a result of this mail.

I contacted you independently of my investigation and no one is informed of this communication. I would like to acquaint you with certain facts that might be of interest to you. In 2009,Hashim Ahmed, a businessman, also who was with the Iraqi forces and our Client, made a fixed deposit of Thirty Five Million Five Hundred Thousand United State Dollars only in my branch, a number of notices was sent to him when it was due, but no response came from him till date. We later found out that the General along with his family had been killed in a bomb blast that hit their home, what bothers me most is according to the laws of my country at the expiration of 6 years the funds will revert to the Hong Kong Government if nobody comes for the funds, Against this scenery, I have all the information needed to claim these funds.

All I require is your honest co-operation and I guarantee that this will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect me and you from any breach of the law. Please accept my apologies Your interest to assist me was rather unspecific as a result of which I am quite skeptical in believing that you could be of assistance to me, therefore I would like to be sure of your willingness, trustworthiness and commitment to execute this transaction with me, I cannot afford to compromise these virtues considering the money involved, it is necessary for me to be sure of the person to whom I will be entrusting this transaction, my trust is not given out lightly.

What I expect from you is trust and commitment, I want this large sum of money transferred with your assistance and you should have nothing to worry about regarding legality AT ALL. I want to know if you are willing to follow up this business seriously before I can give you more details about this transaction, however I shall be waiting for your response and assurance along with your full Names and private contacts (ADDRESS, PHONE & FAX) just as it will appear on the documents..

Peter Sands

John Howard, the voice in my head, insisted on replying to Peter Sands to tell him what he really thought about The General:

Dearest Peter,

It was so thrilling to hear from you after all this time. Just the thought of you made me shiver.

I often recall your strong grip during a handshake. You are a strong man. I know you feel the same way about me. You have heard me roar. ROAR!

When I read about the death of Hashim, I can’t say I was upset. He was always a bit of a shit.

Do you remember the time we went to the Dorchester with Hashim and he burped after eating a cucumber sandwich?! I was mortified! He claimed some sort of allergy to vegetables with a high water content but we both know that he didn’t need an Epipen. He was just an obnoxious turd.

I hate to say it but I’m glad he’s dead.

Between you and me, I’ll gladly take his money, it’ll serve the big bumhole right.

Tell me what you need for me to take his stinking money and I’ll sort it out. I hope Mr Flatulence rots but I will let him buy me a Maserati if that makes everyone feel less awkward.


John Howard


One thought on “Claim These Funds, Hell Yeah

  1. Lynn Swift says:

    Ha! Ha! Ha! Haaaaaaa!! . . . . LOVE that !!!!

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