Gottle Of Geer

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February 28, 2013 by kitcac

I find ventriloquism very creepy. Admit it, you do too.

Even if you can’t see the dummy’s demonic face, you can still hear its demonic voice.  *Shudder*

I understand why people with their hands up a dolls blouse/bum (which is it?) do that voice – the audience can’t possibly see the human’s lips move, oh no, that would ruin the illusion!

But what’s the deal with Punch & Judy? They have the same wheezy devil-voices that ventriloquist’s dummies have, only WE CAN’T EVEN SEE THE HUMANS. So why the voices?! The humans are, of course, hiding under a sheet stretched over two deck chairs with pockets full of Strepsils to soothe their inevitable sore throats.

I have my own ventriloquist act of sorts, only I don’t charge and I don’t perform in public. Oh gosh, it seems rude when you put it like that! It isn’t, I assure thee.

It involves getting a photograph of someone and holding it around a door into a room where an unsuspecting Stavros is minding his own business. I can usually see him in a reflection or through the crack in the door. Tonight he was standing in the bathroom and I could see from the reflection on the towel rail that he was holding a tube of something. Oh dear, again, its not rude. So a photograph of JWop peeped around the door and said (in a creepy Orville-style voice) “Daddy, what are you holdinnnnnnng?”

“Ruhhh” went a startled Stavros as the baby photo wiggled in the doorway. Good job he was in the bathroom, oy oy!

“Dad-deeeeee, is that tooooooothpayshte?” asked the photo.

“No, its Bonjela” replied Stavros to the photograph.

“Have you got sore gummmsssssss Dad-deeeeee?” asked the photo, smiling. At which point I realised I was creeping myself out with the Orville voice and I had to stop.

I think Orville was brilliant, so vulnerable yet powerful in the face of adversity and/or puppet monkeys. Had we known each other, we would have been very best friends. I would have tied him to a remote controlled helicopter so that he could experience flying. He was without doubt the best ventriloquist’s dummy to ever have lived. Orville is the exception to the rule about ventriloquists’ dummies being creepy.

I think I am adding a goal to the 40 Things list: Have a gottle of geer with Keith Harris and Orville.

NB: I am not sponsored by Strepsils. Other throat lozenges are available. Always take advice from your pharmacist.

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