The Rivington Raccoon

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December 15, 2012 by kitcac

Please bear with me for this.  Its very strange. And it is convoluted.

I watch New Girl.  It is like someone has stalked me and then written a TV show about me.  Then obviously they’ve gone a bit further and made her a bit mad, which I’m not.  I am totally normal.

I like to make up songs about stuff.  For instance the song “Dogs on His Vest” is an instant classic.  There is also my poo-related version of Carly Simon’s You’re So Vain.  More about that song another time.

I provide the voice for Kermit the Frog when he chats to JWop about Sesame Street versus Chorley.

I wouldn’t say that I brake for birds like Jess does in New Girl, but I was once late for work because I had to pull over after seeing a squirrel run over.  I could not drive through the sobbing.

In fact, I even wear the perfume that sponsors New Girl.  I wore it before New Girl came onto British TV, just so you know I’m not obsessively weird about all things New Girl.

So when Deirdre showed up at my house with some hairy-furry gloves, I laughed and pointed at her and said “ha ha, raccoon hands, digging through the garbage!”

Just to explain, in New Girl, one of the boys admits to having a saucy dream about Jess where she has raccoon hands and is digging through the garbage.  I had to explain this to Deirdre, because my reaction to her gloves was a bit leftfield.  So now those gloves are called her Raccoon Hands.

OK, that explains the first part of my tale.

We were going out somewhere and I said to Deirdre “Have you got your raccoon hands?”  Stavros was very confused.  I explained the glove thing (as above).

OK, so now Stavros knows about the raccoon hands thing.  Are you keeping track of all of this?

So we were still heading out the door and Stavros piped up and said “I once saw someone walking a raccoon on a lead up Rivington”.

SAY WHAT?!

A raccoon you say?  On a lead?  At the local beauty spot that is Rivington?

A raccoon on a lead up Rivington.

Needless to say, we didn’t leave the house until we heard more about the raccoon on a lead.

Here’s what we concluded from our interrogation of Stavros:

Was he sure it was a raccoon?  Yes, because we watched Elf that day and it has a scene where Buddy is being attacked by a raccoon.  That’s what he says he saw.

Was it on a lead?  Yes, it was definitely on a lead.  Or maybe it wasn’t.  He might have seen it being coaxed down from a tree by its owner who was holding a lead.

Was he sure that he saw a raccoon on a lead up Rivington?  Erm, actually, no.  He might have just seen a photograph of it.

So in conclusion, Stavros may or may not have seen someone walking a raccoon on a lead up Rivington, or he might have seen someone holding a lead trying to coax a raccoon out of a tree up Rivington.  Or he might have seen a photograph of any of those two scenarios.

Dear Reader, have you ever seen a raccoon on a lead up Rivington?  Or a raccoon in a tree?

Please let me know if you can help solve this mystery, failing which John Howard may have to write a letter to the Chorley Guardian.

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