What Colour Are Your Balls?

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December 8, 2012 by kitcac

I went to a kids’ playcentre yesterday with some of my chums. I quite enjoyed it.

JWop licked a load of stuff, which makes me gag to think about it, but he didn’t cry so I am presuming from the lack of tears that he thought it was a massive hoot. Really, he licked a ton of teacups and pretend apples and I had to ask whether the etiquette was for me to spray the stuff he’d drooled all over (I carry an antibacterial spray with me, but not in a Batman style belt… yet).

Apparently, you can just let your baby dribble over EVERYTHING and then…. leave. Hmmm. This makes me itch. I want to break into that play centre and wash that fake apple he chewed. But that would be burglary.

Everything else seemed entirely normal. Apart from one woman who had to make her son perform for me.  That made me itch a bit too.

JWop was in the ballpool, her kid got in.  JWop is only 7 months old and he just sank so I sat on the edge shouting “Bazinga”, which is perfectly sane behaviour on my part. Her kid was being no trouble at all, he was aware of little JWop and was just watching him sink. Then Mother-Woman started making him do tricks.

It was very strange.  I have read about performance parenting before but I had never experienced it.

Mother-Woman started asking her kid, who I will call Dave, about the colours of the balls.

MW:  What colour is this ball?

Dave:  Red.

MW:  What colour is this ball?

Dave:  Blue.

MW:  What colour is this ball?

Dave:  Green.

MW:  Good boy.

And then she looked at me.  It was so weird.  I felt like she wanted me to join in congratulating him, but I had no idea how old Dave was or whether I should actually be impressed that he knew three colours.

But perhaps the oddest thing about the whole baby-seal-balancing-a-ball-on-his-nose thing was that Mother-Woman then walked to the far end of the playroom and proceeded to ignore him for the next hour.  So the performance was definitely just for my benefit.

Poor Dave, the little performing seal-child.

If I’d had a fish in my handbag I would have given it to him.  Even though I have no idea whether his performance with coloured balls was actually any good at all.

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