September 15, 2012 by kitcac
I am intrigued by Will.i.am.
Firstly, I really wish I had a name that was like that statementy sort of thing. Secondly, and most importantly, I wish I had my own logo that I could stitch onto my jacket with my Singer sewing machine.
If only I could remember how to work my Singer sewing machine!
Its all loopy loops and wires and POINTY NEEDLES for the love of all that is holy!
Will.i.am is dope, y’all. I don’t really know much about him other than he floated my boat on The Voice UK which, by the way, I am going to win next year. Or Britain’s Got Talent. Or X Factor. But am I more suited to Strictly?! Grrr, such a quandary!
Will.i.am wears those gloves that you would wear mountain biking. You know, the ones to stop you getting blistery hand-balls when you “pedal pedal pedal”!
Not many people can get away with wearing sportswear on formal occasions. I can’t think of anyone else who has done that. Gwyneth Paltrow should maybe have worn a sports bra, or really any bra, at the Oscars that time, but she would have looked even more daft if she’d worn mountain biking gloves.
Will.i.am is like someone from Star Trek doing the Robot while drinking mojitos in an igloo with Tom Jones lying there on a fluffy rug in front of an open fire wearing a leopard print dressing gown and stroking a persian cat and while all this is happening, the cast of Dirty Dancing are in the kitchen doing that dance that they do in the main house at the end of Dirty Dancing when the old lady throws her fur stole on the floor and joins in and then somewhere else someone is doing the last dance from Footloose and someone else is winning the Great British Bake Off with an amazing spiky cake that is covered in real gold and is also filled with dark chocolate ganache.
That’s how cool he is. COOOO-OOOOL.
So I’ve got that out of my system now. You won’t believe how furiously I typed that. There was smoke coming from the keyboard and it wasn’t easy because the letter i doesn’t work very well and neither does the letter r.
I said to Stavros earlier that I would like it if Will.i.am came round for tea. I expect that he would quite like the stag’s head above the mantelpiece. Yes, I actually said “I bet Will.i.am would like the stag’s head above the mantelpiece”.
Stavros asked me what we’d have for tea if Will.i.am came round. I decided on pasta. I wouldn’t want anything too formal or anything that would go horribly wrong.
So I sat there and imagined it. We’re looking at the stag’s head and watching telly with Will.i.am and we’ve just finished our pasta. We’ve eaten sat on the sofa instead of at the table, just so we can all take our shoes off and put our feet up.
“Yessssss”, I said, “It would be quite good if Will.i.am came round for pasta one time”.
Then Stavros piped up – “Actually, it would be good if he came a couple of times and then we’d get to see a few of his different jackets with his name on”.
I swear to sweet baby Jesus, we have not been taking any drugs.
But if Will.i.am is reading this, you are welcome to come round for pasta and I’ll even let you put your un-socked feet on the sofa.
But not my green chair. That’s my special chair and no-one is allowed coloured drinks or naked feet on that chair. Just warning you in advance.
RSVP soon Will.i.am!