Kitcac’s Guide to the Modern Woman

1

September 11, 2012 by kitcac

There’s a list of tips for a good subservient wife from a journal in 1955 that is just fabulous to read.  It makes me think of Doris Day (ahhhhhhh, driving a car into a swimming pool of bubbles, bliss!) and Samantha from Bewitched.

Oh I love Bewitched!  And I Dream of Jeannie, that was quite good too if I recall correctly.

I digress, as usual.

The list has been recreated on the tinterweb and even though it might have been “tweaked” a little over time in cyberspace, it still captures the essence of the era.  Basically, men ruled and the women were real pretty, y’all.

I’ve set it out below and updated each tip underneath to demonstrate how it might appear in the Chorley Guardian today:

The Good Wife’s Guide

* Have dinner ready. Plan ahead, even the night before, to have a delicious
meal ready, on time for his return. This is a way of letting him know That you
have been thinking about him and are concerned about his needs. Most men
are hungry when they come home and the prospect of a good meal
(especially his favorite dish) is part of the warm welcome needed.

Have a drawer in the kitchen where you keep takeaway menus.  Or keep the menus stuck on the fridge with a magnet in the shape of a beer bottle, or in the shape of something rude.

* Prepare yourself. Take 15 minutes to rest so you’ll be refreshed when he
arrives. Touch up your make-up, put a ribbon in your hair and be fresh-
looking. He has just been with a lot of work-weary people.

Try to wash off the make-up you wore last weekend.  Attempt to brush your hair or alternatively tie it back if it is at the “beyond control” stage.  You haven’t cleaned your teeth since last Wednesday so swish some mouthwash around your gob.

* Be a little gay and a little more interesting for him. His boring day may need
a lift and one of your duties is to provide it.

Tell him what happened on today’s episode of Jeremy Kyle whilst rolling your eyes.  Tut occasionally.

* Clear away the clutter. Make one last trip through the main part of the house
just before your husband arrives.  Gather up schoolbooks, toys, paper etc and then run a dustcloth over the tables.

To tidy up, throw things in a wardrobe and close the door if it is possible to do so.

* Over the cooler months of the year you should prepare and light a fire for
him to unwind by. Your husband will feel he has reached a haven of rest and
order, and it will give you a lift too. After all, catering for his comfort will
provide you with immense personal satisfaction.

Wear hoodies.  Get your husband a hoodie.  But not a matching one.

* Prepare the children. Take a few minutes to wash the children’s hands and
faces (If they are small), comb their hair and, if necessary, change their
clothes. They are little treasures and he would like to see them playing the
part. Minimize all noise. At the time of his arrival, eliminate all noise of the
washer, dryer or vacuum. Try to encourage the children to be quiet.

Wipe the visible sick and poo off the children.  Put them in the back garden.

* Be happy to see him. Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please
him.

Grunt at him when he enters the house.  Looking up from the laptop is optional.

* Listen to him. You may have a dozen important things to tell him, but the
moment of his arrival is not the time. Let him talk first – remember, his
topics of conversation are more important than yours.

Pretend that you understand what junctions of the motorway he is talking about.  Nod repeatedly.  Flick the channel to Jeremy Kyle USA which starts around the time he gets home.

* Make the evening his. Never complain if he comes home late or goes out to
dinner, or other places of entertainment without you. Instead, try to
understand his world of strain and pressure and his very real need to be at
home and relax.

If he goes to Applejax and comes home stocious drunk, take photographs.  In the morning, take more photographs.   Laugh loudly.

* Your goal: Try to make sure your home is a place of peace, order and
tranquility where your husband can renew himself in body and spirit.

Give your husband a list of DIY things that need to be done by the time of his parents’ next visit.  Duplicate the list and present it to him regularly.

* Don’t greet him with complaints or problems.

If you don’t agree with him, don’t speak to him.  Slam doors repeatedly.

* Don’t complain if he’s late home for dinner or even if he stays out all night.
Count this as minor compared to what he might have gone through that day.

Don’t complain if he’s out all night.  Keep quiet.  This will scare him greatly.  You’ll find out what happened when his mates post the photos on facebook.  Vengeance will be yours.

* Make him comfortable. Have him lean back in a comfortable chair or have
him lie down in the bedroom. Have a cool or warm drink ready for him.

Have him lie down on the sofa while you watch TV in the bedroom.  Polish off a bottle of chardonnay on your own before 6pm.  Let him sort out his own beverage needs.

* Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing
and pleasant voice.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha!

* Don’t ask him questions about his actions or question his judgment or
integrity. Remember, he is the master of the house and as such will always
exercise his will with fairness and truthfulness. You have no right to
question him.

Oh ho ho ho hawwwww, it hurts my stomach, its too funny!  Ha ha ha ha ha.  Sorry, I can’t finish typing for laughing!

And here’s Doris Day again.  She likes soap does our Doris.

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One thought on “Kitcac’s Guide to the Modern Woman

  1. Sarah says:

    Oh Em Gee is that for reals?!?! Love your updates to this twisted manual! I never would have survived back then!!!

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