Whoopie for Woolies


September 2, 2012 by kitcac

Woolies has shut down (sob).

I’m still getting over it.  Not because I bought much stuff there (the greetings cards were massively over-priced and I never bought the pic n mix because of all the children that had probably touched it).

I miss Woolies because it reminds me of being a drunken lush on the weekend.  I can’t think of any other employer that I have worked for that would allow its staff to get away with what we all got away with.

How did we get customers through the door on a Sunday with our toxic booze-breath?

Here’s a few of the things that happened:

1.  Someone had to go to hospital after being poisoned by weedkiller fumes.

2.  Someone sold Bill Beaumont the ex-England rugby player a copy of Latin Romance on CD.  And a calculator.

3.  Someone sold Dave Spikey his copy of Eminem’s album before he did the Slim Shady thing on Phoenix Nights.

4.  Someone stuck their tongue out behind a customer’s back, only to find that the next customer in the line was related.  And not happy about someone sticking their tongue out at her mother.

5.  Someone snogged a guy who used to buy lottery tickets at the lottery desk.  He was imaginatively referred to as “lottery guy”.  It turned out that lottery guy snogged a few of the Woolies girls.  This caused friction.

6.  Someone used to intentionally put on CDs with explicit lyrics to make some of the full-time ladies blush.

7.  Someone vomited all the way up the stairs to the staff room.

8.  Someone vomited in the bin in the cafe.

9.  Someone pulled down a colleague’s pants behind the CD counter.

10.  Someone had to leave a till after they smelled some paper and it made them vomit.

11.  Someone had to get her dad to pull over on the way to work at Woolies.  The purpose of the pulling over was to allow that person to vomit.

12.  Someone yelled at a guy in the queue in Burger King that he was “a miserable effing man” just before he came into Woolies to buy a CD from her.

13.  Someone who worked on the sweets till snogged every girl who ever worked in Woolies (apart from his sister).

14.  Someone glued cotton wool on the photo of the manager to make him look like Santa.

15.  Someone caught a customer pleasuring himself in the store.

Ah, those were the days!


5 thoughts on “Whoopie for Woolies

  1. Deirdre says:

    I’d like to say that I did not song said sweet confectioner!!!

  2. Ian says:

    Hahaha “Latin Love” Woolies loved selling those alternative compilations which consisted of one song you knew, two which were vaguely familiar and about ten which sounded like the distributor realised at the last minute they needed more songs so broke out the casio keyboard and paid their mate (who appeared on Pop Idol in the montage bits) to provide “vocals”.

    Woolies was a weird mix of full timers with one eye on the pension and part timers who were at college/uni who needed beer money with little in between.

    I think the reason few people got sacked is that the staff exam was written by Mensa so they were always surprised when someone passed it and thus didn’t want to take the risk that no one else would pass to replace the ex-employee.

    I definitely miss Woolies at Easter time where thanks to a constant “limited time only” sale that DFS bosses would question under false advertising laws and the liberal use of staff discount you could get a years worth of chocolate for around £3.75.

    • kitcac says:

      Staff exam? You must have been tricked into doing that. I don’t think that there was any such thing.

      Maybe your former boss has his own blog about what he would get new starters to do! Such japes!

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