I Do Not Like (A) Virgin At All

1

August 15, 2012 by kitcac

I have an ongoing love hate relationship with Virgin, but its different to most love hate relationships because I just hate them.  I don’t love them at all.

Virgin trains once caused us to arrive in London about 5 hours late, which meant that our two night trip was only one night long.  The delay also probably contributed to the hotel receptionist becoming trapped in our hotel room with us.  That was awkward.  And he didn’t speak much English.

Virgin cola was rubbish.  The bottle was called “The Pammy” because of its curvy shape.  This is reason enough to hate it.

Virgin credit cards have a very complicated way of explaining promotional interest rates on your statements by reference to codes of numbers and letters which makes my head hurt.  It doesn’t take much to make my head hurt, so every bit adds up.

Virgin airlines – never used them.  I really don’t want to have a bad flying experience.  I am 95% sure that based on my experiences with other Virgin products, I would get diarrhoea from the food or some other ailment that would cause me to go batshit crazy on the plane and possibly be detained by an air marshall for crying so loudly that the other passengers freaked out.  So I won’t be doing that.

Virgin music stores – a poor man’s Woolworths.  Nuff said.

But the worst of all Virgin businesses is Virgin mobile.  Oh my life, I detest you Richard Branson for your stupid hold music and the fact that you let me choose which genre of music I listen to whilst slowing tying a rope into a noose, having lost the will to live by being subjected to said hold music on a loop for 40 minutes.  WITHOUT EVER GETTING TO THE CHORUS!

Why Richard, why for the love of all that is good and holy do you only play one verse and then loop it over and over and over and over and over?  Do you want me to die?  Do you want me to start to drool uncontrollably?  Do you want my brain to shrivel up to the size of a walnut?

It will do because I have heard the first verse of the same song no less than 57 times.

I had to contact Virgin to cancel my contract and transfer my phone number.  Boy, did Richard make it hard for me.  I was cancelling because I had previously spent 45 minutes on the phone to them with a problem only for them to refuse to speak to me due to Data Protection and then hang up.  [Insert fiery expletives here]

After becoming incandescent with rage at not being able to get through to anyone on the phone to sort out the number transfer, I checked online for a contact to which to send a complaint.

Unfortunately for her, a robotic lady called Emma happened to pop-up in an automatic chat window.  Poor poor Emma.  I let rip good and proper.  I wanted to drop the f-bomb a number of times but I exercised a great deal of self-restraint and did not curse or say bad words.

It went like this…..

Emma: Hello, as a Virgin Mobile order specialist, I can help you set up a new mobile account and select a phone. Are there any questions I may help answer for you today?

You: yes please – why is no one answering the 789 number and why do you incessantly play one verse of the same song on hold? i have been waiting for 15 minutes – if you aren’t open today then say so, don’t waste my time.

Emma: I will be happy to help you regarding your query.

Emma: Our customer care team is available from Monday – Friday, 8am to 8pm and on Saturday 8am to 6pm.

You: i want my PAC number. plus i want answers to my questions above.

Emma: I am sorry ,I would love to help you but unfortunately I do not have your account details. I’m part of the new order sales team and I don’t have all the answers you need.

You: So do you want my account number so you can try to help?

Emma: I would love to help you but unfortunately I do not have your account details. I’m part of the new order sales team and I don’t have all the answers you need. Please call our customer care team by calling 789 from your Virgin Mobile phone, or 0845 6000 789 from a landline.

Emma: However, I can help new customers for Virgin Mobile to select the best deal and place their order online.

Emma: Please feel free to chat with us again should you have additional questions.

You: so can you explain why I have been waiting in excess of 15 minutes on the 789 number and why you can’t play more than one verse of a song? Do you appreciate that it is frustrating to listen to a verse of a song for 15 minutes? What would Richard Branson do?

Emma: I apologize for the inconvenience.

You: its not just inconvenient, its highly irritating.

Emma: But I am sorry, Our customer care team is available from Monday – Friday, 8am to 8pm and on Saturday 8am to 6pm.

Emma: Do you have any other questions that I can answer for you today?

Emma: Thank you for visiting us today.

Emma: You have a lovely day, cheers!

You: You haven’t answered any of the important ones.

You: So answer my questions about why it takes so long for you to pick up the phone.

You: And why you can’t play more than one verse of a song.

Emma: I completely understand your concern, but I am sorry I would love to help you but unfortunately I do not have your account details. I’m part of the new order sales team and I don’t have all the answers you need.

Emma: can help new customers for Virgin Mobile to select the best deal and place their order online.

You: I have offered them to you. Do you want them?

You: My number is 077XX XXX XXX.

Emma: I don’t have the tool to access your account information and you need to get in touch with our customer service team.

You: I have tried to – please refer to my first question above.

Emma: Our customer care team is not available currently.

You: Is Richard there?

Emma: Our customer care team is available from Monday – Friday, 8am to 8pm and on Saturday 8am to 6pm.

Emma: Please feel free to chat with us again should you have additional questions.

You: I do have questions – there are two above. What are you trying to hide?

Emma: I am afraid to assist you with that online I suggest you to please call our customer care team by just calling 789 from your Virgin Mobile phone, or 0845 6000 789 from a land line.

You: You are trying my patience. I have been on hold at 789 for 25 minutes. Put Richard on, I want to chat with him instead.

Emma: I completely understand your concern.

You: Do you really?

You: I’m so mad I could crush a grape.

Emma: But I am sorry, You can call our customer care team tomorrow.

You: No, I want them to answer today. Are you saying that my call will only be answered tomorrow? That will be 24 hours on hold. I could take a Virgin flight to Bristol in that time.

You: I don’t want to go to Bristol by the way, that is for demonstrative purposes only.

Emma: I understand your concern , as I told you many times above that our customer care team is available from Monday – Friday, 8am to 8pm and on Saturday 8am to 6pm.

You: Who in their right mind would want to go to Bristol, eh? And does Virgin even fly there? I’m not asking you these questions of course, because you seem incapable of answering anything I ask.

Emma: I am unable to help you, as I am not authorized to deal an existing Virgin Mobile Customer.

You: Why not? Have you been naughty? And why are you only telling me this now? You’re a naughty little timewaster.

You: Put Richard on.

Emma: I am sorry, I already told you so many times as you can see above in your chat pop up.

Emma: However, I can help new customers for Virgin Mobile to select the best deal and place their order online.

You: You implied it, but you didn’t say it. I don’t want to place an order with you – you’re pants.

You: Where’s Richard, is he there?

Emma: Please feel free now.

You: Feel free to do what? Place an order? Are you on glue?

Emma: I can help new customers for Virgin Mobile to select the best deal and place their order online.

Emma: I am unable to help you.

You: Does Richard know that you’re high?

Emma: I am sorry, I would love to help you but unfortunately I do not have your account details. I’m part of the new order sales team and I don’t have all the answers you need.

Emma: If you continue to ask the questions which can’t be answered from here, I’ll have to close this chat to assist another customer. If you want assistant from me.

You: You’re off your head. You don’t have any answers, you just copy and paste the same thing. Are you on glue or are you a robot?

You: Bazinga!

Emma: I am a real person.

Emma: Do you have any other questions ?

You: Let me think for a minute.

You: Yes – I have a question.

You: What would Richard Branson do?

Emma: I am sorry, I unable to help you.

Emma: Thank you for visiting us today.

Dear reader, if you want to be able to feel empathy for my situation, you can follow these simple steps.

Go on Youtube and find a video of She Moves in Her Own Way by The Kooks.  Listen to the first verse then restart the video and listen to it again.  Repeat this for 45 minutes or so.

See if you become catatonic or if you die.  Let me know which one happens to you as I’m doing a survey.  I am hoping to compile the results in a tally chart or maybe even a powerpoint presentation.

Perhaps one day I might have the powerpoint saved onto a USB and happen to stumble upon Richard Branson in an internet cafe and we could watch it together over a latte and a muffin.  We could listen to The Kooks too.  That would be nice.

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One thought on “I Do Not Like (A) Virgin At All

  1. Joanne says:

    Absolutely hilarious!!!

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