August 12, 2012 by kitcac
I’ve been away on hols and over eight days you would be surprised at some of the peculiar things that I have overheard.
They have been so strange or compelling that I made mental notes of them, or in some cases I texted myself with what I’d just overheard (because I was under the influence of wine/cider/beer/rum/all of the above and would probably forget).
In no particular order, here are some corkers:
-“She’s a bit flabby” (an Olympic gymnast)
-“I’ve found the apple pie, it was behind the television.”
-“I wouldn’t expect you to have a tattoo – you’re a book-reader.”
-“I’ve got to drink more to keep the vomit down.”
-“That was the wrong song choice” (about every single karaoke singer who got up to wail in the pub)
-“Get me a strap-on” (translates as “I would like a pint of Staropramen please”)
-“I know what a camel’s toe is” (regrettably, one of my parents said this to me. I have wiped from my mind the exact details)
-“I haven’t read Fifty Shades of Grey. I’m waiting for the pop-up version” (regrettably, I said this)
-“It was a film with Marlon Brando and a tub of margarine, but it wasn’t proper porn” (my brain imploded at this point)
-(Overheard in ladies’ loo): “So I was just about to feed the snakes and I’d taken the rats out to defrost and he said to me…..[end of snippet]”
What in God’s name did he say to her as she was defrosting the rats?!!!!! I would have followed her out but alas I was in the ladies’ loos for a purpose and could not hot foot it after her.
This feeling of regret will stay with me to my dying day. There are so many unanswered questions.
What did he say to her as the rats went from frozen to succulently juicy? Did the snake ever get fed? And how many more rats does she have in her freezer? Does she keep them next to the choc-ices?
I feel like writing to the BBC and seeing if they can do a national televised appeal to find this woman and her frozen vermin.